[Club Cyrus] The Master versus The Apprentice

Ask any Cyrus member who is the brashest, most egotistical and loudest within the guild, and the answer will undoubtedly be @Caellin. What he lacks in gaming ability, he overcompensates with an endless, self-aggrandising commentary claiming credit for any semblance of a team victory.

During our last Rocket League guild night, we arranged a 2 vs 2 tournament and paired Caellin with one of our returning members, and new to Rocket League, @Karnage. Naturally, you'd expect the more experienced player to encourage his Padawan teammate, showing him the ways of The Force, teaching him new skills and offering sage advice. And why not - Caellin already sounds like Yoda when he talks. This, however, is not Caellins modus operandi. Instead, poor Karnage had to put up with an evening of trolling, mocking and put-downs.

Caellin "helps" Karnage learn the basics of Rocket League in a "friendly" and "encouraging" manner...

This attitude is a common trait among small men - they feel the need to compensate with their mouths. Those of us who are more generously endowed usually take pity on their natural deficiencies, but sometimes it can be useful to pick these small men up and put them back in their box, and that's exactly what we did tonight with Caellin. Humiliation - and a very public one!

Tonight was our inaugural 1 vs 1 Rocket League tournament, and we goaded Caellin into agreeing to make his first round match against Karnage a special 'grudge match' which would be streamed live to the rest of the guild. Such was Caellins blind arrogance and self belief, he craved this opportunity to showboat in front of the guild, setting himself up as The Master, with Karnage as his Apprentice. But we all know how those stories usually end, don't we?

Even with big, bulging eyes, he never saw it coming...​

Of course, this was a trap! The previous week, before this tournament was even announced, Redh, the Dark Lord of Cyrus, issued Order 66 - the destruction of the galactic ego of Caellin! His chosen Sith Assassin, Darth @Iselore, would secretly log in to Karnage's Rocket League account and play the grudge match against Caellin, unbeknownst to anyone watching. Should he fail, the plan would remain a closely guarded secret between the Gang of Three. But should he succeed, we would witness the spectacular implosion of years of unwarranted self-love and narcissism.

So, with the entire guild watching, and our clandestine plan in full swing, it was on. Caellin versus "Karnage", AKA Iselore The Destroyer. The thrill! The anticipation! The... GOAAAAAAAAAALL!!!! It took just 21 seconds for Darth Iselore to strike the first blow and score the opening goal! OK, I was wrong before - NOW it's ON!!

There was surprise and disbelief among the guild, and some maybe thought this was a lucky goal. But they should have looked closer - this was certainly no fluke! Caellin shrugged it off claiming he 'hadn't started playing yet'. But if you watch the replay closely, isolate just his voice, filter out the air conditioner and traffic in the background, and play it at 30% speed, you can hear just the fainted crack in his voice... Fear, maybe?

The match continued, and Caellin upped his game and went on the attack. But what's this? He's expertly blocked, and look who's on the counter attack! GOAAAAAAAAAALL!!!! 2 - 0 to Fake Karnage! Screams of joy and laughter from the guild, a delayed commentary from @Hakugard who is watching via a North Korean internet connection, but silence from Caellin... We did it, Cyrus! We shut him up!

"Caellin must surely be hanging his head in shame after this display. Two goals down after a mere 43 seconds!" - Hakugard.
And the slaughter continued - a 3rd goal inside the first minute, and by this point Caellin must have been wondering how his tape measure had been getting it so wrong all these years. Had be been confusing inches with centimetres all this time? Whatever was going through his head, he was still uncharacteristically and eerily quiet on Teamspeak! Magnificent!

Not enough tape in the world to measure Caellins ego!

"And in 58 seconds, Karnage scores his hat-trick... How embarrassing!" - Hakugard.
The proceedings were beginning to look like a Karnage highlight reel rather than a live match, and the next goal came 30 seconds later making the scoreline 4 - 0 to The Assassin. 15 seconds later, 5 - 0. Still total blackout from Caellin... This was brutal viewing!

Now unlike those with smaller appendages, I am more than comfortable giving praise to those who earn it, and it has to be said that 'Caellin The Mute' did his best to salvage a less humiliating scoreline. Although there were no audible celebrations, he did manage to score a hat-trick of nice goals. 5 - 1... 5 - 2... Then 5 - 3... Things were getting tense! Could Caellin unknowingly foil the devious dealings of Dark Lord Redh?

Hell no! Darth Iselore refocused and scored twice more, making the final result 7 - 3. Following the final klaxon, a stunned quiet on Teamspeak. Everyone but the Gang of Three was in shock, believing they had witnessed Master Caellin being taken apart by his very own self appointed Apprentice... Caellin eventually broke the silence, sounding more than a little humbled: "Alright, fair enough". He followed up with some hack explanations for his loss, but with his voice quivering and the unmistakable pitter patter of tiny tear drops splashing on his microphone, we could all tell he was crushed by the sudden realisation of his averageness.

The Gang of Three allowed this glorious moment to linger, relishing in the exposition of a fraud still clinging to his own denial of what had just happened. Real Karnage added some verbal blows, stating he had expected more of a challenge and found it "pretty easy". The guild broke out in laughter, and the wannabe emperor now had no clothes, and not much to cover up.

We were originally going to unveil our deception at the very end of the evening, but the moment seemed too perfect to let pass. This was already sublime, and we had the perfect cherry to put on top. Once things settled down, Dark Lord Redh announced: "Caellin, you got played... That was Iselore!". I have no idea what was said after this as Teamspeak was too loud with laughter, but this was a sweet sweet moment and one that will be shared with generations of Cyrus members to come!

This was a beautiful plan, was kept secret, and executed to perfection. And maybe there are a couple of lessons to be learned amid all the fun. First, Caellin accepted his place in the middle ranks of the guild with some relief just happy at not having been schooled by someone completely new to a game. But perhaps more importantly, we all learned who the real Master and Dark Lord of Cyrus is. For He may on occasion tolerate your bravado, but keep it in check or you will be forever on the wrong side of the history books!

Redh, the Dark Lord of Cyrus. Your one true master!

PS - Grats @Snikmund on winning the tournament, I guess!
The Dark Lord @Redh didn't look so confident anymore when I was leading 4-0 against him even before half the match had gone by. Something in your throat?

We both knew how this would end and it was glorious. Even @Dia was smiling, though you can't see her face in the picture. Who cares?

Alas, the perfect ending was not to be. Somehow the Dark Lord found a way to switch accounts with [a korean Rocket League world champion who likes to remain unnamed] right in the middle of the match. Finally the Dark Lord had found his perfect weapon, not some wannabe-moon, or actual moon, getting blown up all the time.

It all went downhill after that and the Universe went:

"Mention final scores we don't" - Caellin
Big thanks to @Karnage for being a good sport and sticking it out till the end. I think he was the real MVP of the night.
It reminded me of a porn I watched once. Girl was early twenties and was getting reamed by eight or nine black chaps. They were fighting over every nook and cranny, I swear I saw spunk coming out of her nose, while she choked out messages of encouragement. Video was about 45 mins long and I remember stopping halfway through to give her a mental round of applause. It won't make her Daddy come home but she certainly earned my respect.
A very well written piece @Redh, shame it still seems to have flown over the top of a few peoples heads. :)
@Iselore My car will never handle like that but it was joy to watch, thank you.
You came joint fourth like the rest of us.
Couldn't agree more.
I was so happy for @Karnage, actually being able to beat me was a great achievement.
To bad it was all a lie and the world is still as it should be. I am happy for my fellow first placers, I decided not to take first place, as that would mean I would be teamed with @Karnage again next time. Now I am actually in the most favorable position for team placements.

You have all been played :)
I think 2v2 teams should be seeded Best player with worse. So don't worry @Caellin you still wouldn't get me. A good experiment in Magnanimosity, Maturity and team building. I wont hold my breath though.
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